I am the narwal; Goo goo g’joob (HIGMA)

The stat nerds are gonna hate this…

At some point, The Beatles got really weird.

They went from “Can’t Buy Me Love” to “I am the Walrus”. There’s plenty of reasons for that. Fame, wealth, LSD… But there’s another reason, one that will meander into a point halfway though this post.

I started writing fifteen years ago. Unfortunately, I started querying around 15 years ago too. I don’t recommend that. We all start out the same way, so I’ll spare you those details. Just know that my writing career began like many, only the years kept going by and I was still unable to land a real agent.

What was the problem? Was it me? Did I offend? Was I not cool enough or smart enough. Was there something wrong with my writing? We’ve all experienced the unicorn. That writer that comes out of nowhere and snags an agent a few months into querying! Those always make us feel some kind of way, but it wasn’t just unicorns I watched gallop by. I waved a fond farewell to peers, mentees, critique partners, friends, and acquaintances. It really did feel like everyone was getting on the bus and I never had the exact change needed.

Why can’t that be me?

Well, here’s the thing, how easily a writer gets an agent is no indication of how easily that book gets sold. Just because an agent thinks they can sell it, doesn’t mean editors will agree. And as many of you have heard, publishing isn’t a meritocracy. Just because I’ve been writing a long time doesn’t mean I get to go to the front of the line. Even published authors back in the query trenches are struggling to get representation.

No joke, out of the 107 queries I sent out, 37 did not respond. That’s 34%! Some of this could be accounted for the fact that I was only querying for approximately two months before getting an offer. Point is, querying is tough all around, so be kind to yourselves.

But, I’m getting ahead of myself, you’ve come for thee stats.

I don’t blame you, I used to do it too. Search up HIGMAs and try to read into the amount of fulls that resulted in offers. How many queries, how many agents… Goo Goo G’Joob. Just be aware, my stats are not an indication of anything. My journey makes no sense and that’s because luck is a huge factor in querying and luck is a fickle mistress. She also had beef with me for some reason.

Also, I like to rage delete projects from QueryTracker, but here’s the general idea of my stats…

• 15 Years
• 13(ish) Manuscripts
• 1400+ Queries sent
• An estimated 100 requests
• Most popular Manuscript: The Ren-Affair at 14 full requests, 3 partials, 0 offers
• Least popular: Early works such as The Night Dredes with zero requests. Most of my projects averaged 2 requests.
• The Cuckoo’s Nest spent two months querying before it received an offer
• The Cuckoo’s N0est went on to receive 3 full requests
• … AND 1 offer!

Yes, you read that right…

• 15 years
• 13 stories
• 1400 queries
• less than 100 requests
• 1 offer

There it is, the anti-unicorn story. A narwal if you will. I am the Eggman. We are the Eggman. I am the narwal, goob goob, g’joob.

So why did John Lennon sing about being a Walrus anyway?

Honestly, he just got tired of fans making bizarre theories about the music. At some point The Beatles just started making shit up.

These stats cannot help you get an agent. And I truly hope they’re not an indication of your querying journey. What does help, is luck. I just so happened to be in the right place, at the right time, with the right book.

That’s honestly it.

Before querying The Cuckoo’s Nest I bought myself some witchy stuff, manifested, did a little woo woo, whatever you cant to call it. I just decided I was ready, truly ready to be seen and then I was. When you get rejected, and you will get rejected, it’s back to the book. Back to work. Study the craft, the market, workshop, improve, and innovate. Don’t stop. The odds of getting an agent drop exponentially if you quit.

Chelsea Hensley from Mad Woman Literary requested a partial. A month later, I woke up to her requesting a full. By three o’clock my time, she wanted to schedule a call. I didn’t quite read the email all the way. Instead, I ran like the coward I am to my husband to make him read the email. I’m not afraid of the dark or of spiders, but I am afraid of good news.

Cue the nausea.

See, I had been keeping an eye on Mad Woman for quite some time. They are one of the fiercest, most agile agencies out there right now, and I had Chelsea on my watchlist. The day she reopened, I was ready.

I just had no idea she was going to love my story so much. And hearing her talk about my story made this journey completely worth the wait. She understood it. She got my jokes that I assumed no one would notice. She loved my characters. Finally, I’ve buoyed to the surface.

So this is it! Your Tisum-touched Queer Auntie finally got that agent! Time to light them up.